It took me 31 years to realise things change an dnot always to the things we want them too.
Since I got into university, at the age of 16, I started getting more aware of my shyness. When I was younger I never really had to deal with it even though it was there and my Dad would constantly point it out in not so empathetic ways. But as I got oldder, started to mingle with more and more people from all walks of life, got away from the protective nest that was my family, childhood friends and home, my shyness really started to show and cripple me.
In unversity many of my friends were very social, going out, skipping school, making new friends, joining clubs; but I was always standing behind the column looking at them in awe and fear. This timidness was accentuated partly because I got into college at the age of 16, I was in an all girls school and my exposure was not as big as my parents thought. Growing up in my household and as Syrian expats livign in the UAE, my parents would constatntly teach us the ways of the high class Syrians. We were to eat by holding the cutlery properly, we dressed well, if we socialised outside of school it would be with people of our own caliber and so on. As a kid, all this is just nonsense, something you only appreciate once your oldder.
Back to 2005, in AUS where the world had openned it's door just a tiny bit and my eyes were wide open taking it all in.. from a distance. Through out my 4 year degree, I had many opportunities to mingle with people, hang out with them outside of school and all but alot of things held me back... and I also gave myself alot of excuses. Apart from the age which is a big deal really, I went through a 'religious' phase v 2.0, I had 2 long term boyfriends who didn't help and I was extremely not confident to put the cherry on the top. So I spent my days with my clasmates which was good but I always wanted to venture out. And even though some times I did, I was never comfortable and I know that I seemed the scared baby girl and that made me even more anxious and paranoyed.
Fast forward to 2005 when I graduated and started working; that was also another awe moment. It's funny through out my life I never actually knew or imagined my future past a week. I never had dreams of being anything specific - my dad chose what I should do for my bachelors. I didn't have very big hopes and dreams of work so when I got a job at a local agency I was like ok cool!
My 4 years there were fun, the team was great and I started to learn more things from life and about my self. During that time, my friends from university and I became 'grown ups'. Booking clubs an dlounges, hanging out, eating and partying, I loved those days but also becaus eof my shyness, fear and boyfriend in some occassion, I could not live out that time so fully. I bailed on them so many times and ditched awesome plans. And those were the days when I should have been out enjoying my youth.
And all this brings us to the present. It's 2016, I'm 31 and unmarried but dating but most time it feels like I'm single because he's always out of town.
It's Friday the 19th of February, struggeling to make a plan to go out (I'm also a bit sick). I've spent the last 2 weekends home because of a lack of social plans. My boyfriend and I were on a break on one occassion and he's been out of town on the other occassion and this weekend too. His friends haven't really approache dme for an outing I guess they feel awkward. My friends have moved, have babies or are married. And now I find my self more lonely than ever, I've managed to secure some good girl friendships but it's just not like before when you have a group and it's always a mess to get everyone together and you laugh and joke and drink and you're all on the same page. I dont have that anymore and it's making me feeel oldder and lonely.
In all objectivety, I do think it's hard to make friends in this day and age.
You either have to be super social and willing to be everywhere with everyone spending all your money or you are of the few who are ok with spending more time on your own.
30's are not the new 20's. It's a hard age group when you're one of the few people single in your circle.